An Open Letter to The Man I was Suppose to Marry

I have made my mistakes. I have made my woes. I have done all I could and yet I was the one who gave up because I was afraid of being stuck and afraid of losing things. I was
lost, nothing more. And I wanted you to be there with me through it all.

All you ever did was love me. And although, you do have your fair share of mistakes, I admired you for your outlook in life. I admired your kindness and humbleness. I admired your patience and ability to make me laugh at any circumstance. But most of all, I admired you for your heart and your passion.

I know my mistakes but was I wrong to dream? To dream for us and escape a world that I loathe. But never did I erase you from that dream. And then all of the sudden, we spun into a cycle of nonsense and arrogant fights. And then everything else crumbled there.

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People ask me if I still love you. My answer would always be “I can’t imagine a day that I didn’t”. We had our difficult days yet I fought because you were dear to me. Yet I was the one who left you still  because I was afraid of everything. I doubted your love for me and I doubted my own loyalty. We were having difficulties staying in the same path with each other because we both knew what we wanted and the most logical sense was to move on and make a mark on our own. Because a human heart is fickle after all and you can always find a man or woman while pacing to the path you are suppose to walk on.

But God knows how much I wanted to be in the same path as you.

God knows how much I want to hold on and be with you no matter what.

God knows how much I admire you as a man and you are perfect in my eyes.

I still love you, I do. And I know you will always have that hold on me.

But I am scared that we might not grow to reach our full potential and neither of us will be happy in the end.

I wish you were enough for my ambition. I wish we have the same path. I wish we didn’t have to go through this. I wish that ideology of “Love conquers all” applies to us.

But I guess thats what you are all going to be right now.

A wish.

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